Life-Changing Challenges
Recently there was a historic and disastrous deep freeze and energy failure in Texas, and I was fully immersed in the drama of it. Having lived there most of of my life, I was deeply concerned for my friends and others who were affected by it. Although I know this is sadly not true for everyone, I’m happy to report that all my friends (that I'm aware of) have come through okay. Changed, and okay.
I do understand the life-changing nature of such situations. I haven't been in a freeze like that, but I've weathered Cat 5 hurricanes with long-term outages and shortages. Before that, I was paralyzed with a broken back in rather perilous conditions. And for many, many years, I've worked with individuals, families, and businesses facing what might seem to be unbearable losses. Facing intense life-threatening situations can indeed be a life-changing experience - and for many, it's a very good change.
What's so good about it? I think one aspect is that those who thrive have learned - perhaps just in that moment - to take charge of their responses to things they can't change. As Viktor Frankl, the concentration camp survivor, famously wrote: "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
So many others (e.g. Eckhart Tolle, Pema Chödrön, Byron Katie, Rumi, Kahil Gibran, Buckminster Fuller, and even Shakespeare) said the same in their own words. I wrote recently about Ron and Mary Hulnick's phrase: "How you deal with the issue IS the issue."
It all starts with the acceptance of what is. Not what should be, but what is. Not that I must like it, want it, approve of it - rather and simply that I can accept that this moment with all it contains is exactly what there is to deal with. It's in fact the only thing there is to deal with.
“But, but, but,” you may say, "those freezing Texans were in danger!" Yes, they were. Texas' structures and infrastructures were built to withstand heat, not cold. So let's be very clear that acceptance is not resignation. Rather it is a state of clarity without emotional acid-baths, without mental agonizing, one that promotes positive action rather than negative reaction as a response.
Obviously, one response may be “how do I get out of here?” No doubt, Viktor Frankl asked himself that question many times. Clearly, if you can change it or get out of it, you do just that.
But if instead your mind is busily playing a make-believe game of “this isn't really happening” or “this shouldn't be happening” or “who's to blame for this?”, you're not accepting the moment and responding to what is - if you were, you'd be busy doing something about that situation … or failing that, something about yourself.
Like Frankl's captivity, and like power outages, freezing weather, toilet paper shortages, broken backs, and pandemics, sometimes you can't simply “get out of there.” So what do you do? What I see in those who thrive in dire situations beyond their control is very simply this: they address the situation as a challenge or an opportunity. They might not use those words in the moment, but the bottom line is they accept what's so, and then answer the question “So what now? What do I do in this very moment to address the situation?” If there's no way to change the situation itself, they set about changing themselves.
If you recognize that in this very moment you are suffering - mentally, emotionally, physically - in response to what is happening, then you can find another framework through which to view what is happening. Forty years ago I started taking on a challenge from my friend/mentor/guide John-Roger. He said, "Use everything for your upliftment, growth and learning."
On the surface, that may just sound like another idealistic platitude. But taken to a deeper level, it means using EVERYTHING - the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the hurtful, the fearful and more. At that level, it becomes transformative. It means that no matter what is happening, I take charge of my response such that I use whatever has come my way so that it works FOR me, not against me.
In one situation, that response might be to rally my talents and resources to change the situation or my role or presence in the situation. In another it might be to ask “What can I learn from this that will further my wellbeing and/or that of others?” Another might be “How is it I might be creating, allowing, or adding to my experience of suffering?” Another could be “This might turn out to be one of my greatest gifts someday, even though I can't see it yet. What might that gift be?”
Does that sound like Pollyanna? Well, I've been accused of worse. But here's the thing: I know this works because I've worked it over and over … and when I have, it's worked. What I heard from so many of my friends in their frozen homes in Texas was that they did just that: they found ways to use the danger, the inconvenience, the loss, the lack, the uncertainty, the discomfort, the fear, in ways that not only saved themselves but also grew themselves in the process. Consistently? No, certainly not. As all of us do, they went through stages of anger, blame, confusion and more that stopped their forward movement. But then many of them had the wit to use even THAT to keep learning and growing and uplifting.
That's using EVERYTHING to learn, grow and uplift. It's an inspiring way to live.
So, I thank you, my now-thawed Texas friends. I'm grateful for your life and and for how you're living it. May you continue to thrive.