Aren't You Special!
I love these familiar words of Pierre Tielhard de Chardin:
“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.”
They came up again recently during a Moment of Connection in which we were exploring the wisdom of knowing oneself as special - and also knowing oneself as ordinary. Now “special” sounds pretty good. But if you, like most folks, aren’t particularly inspired and motivated by the idea of “ordinary,” please read on.
Specialness is a big deal in lots of psychological and personal growth work these days. There’s a big focus on shoring up the parts of us that feel inadequate, incomplete, not good enough, not lovable, unworthy etc., by instilling a sense of being “special.” Given the toxic childhoods that so many have had, these approaches are important, helpful, even life-saving. They help us experience the truth of that phrase “it’s never too late to have a perfect childhood.” They point us in the direction of recognizing and honoring our true selves.
But there’s a downside: it’s tempting (and easy) for an ego (or false self/limiting character/adaptive self/etc.) to appropriate “specialness” in a superficial way, a way that reinforces the false self rather than bringing forward the true self, a way that leads not to wholeness, but to separation. To the ego, “special” means standing out - which by its very nature implies comparison and separation. So the ego may latch onto specialness as a cause for entitlement, or a justification for selfishness, or a validation of judgment against others (“I’m more special than you”).
“Comparison: the ego’s favorite food.”
Or maybe the ego has such a sense of inadequacy that it uses negative specialness as an excuse or to get special attention or treatment… which may have a great bandaid effect, but won’t get to the underlying issue of the sense of inadequacy.
But before you start beating up on your ego, let’s take a closer look. The way I see it, the egoic approach to specialness is just part of that “human experience” our spiritual beings are having. I don’t see ego as “bad” or something to be rid of, but rather as essential to the heart/spirit/true self’s ability to function as a human being in the world. Egos run self-reinforcing programs in order to get their in-the-world job of getting food, clothing, shelter, etc. done. As part of that, alas, egos are great at using specialness - especially being “more special,” for better or worse, as a tool for bolstering themselves.
Unfortunately, the ego’s feeding frenzy on the shallow form of specialness is likely to obscure the deeper experience of the spiritual/heart/true self that is very special, yet very ordinary. The ego’s approach misses the mark of authentic acceptance of one’s heart and soul; of knowing, as our hearts know, that we each are special, worthy, and valuable - not for what we do or have, but simply for who we are as “spiritual beings having a human experience.” In that regard, I find these words both challenging and reassuring: “Enlightenment is just another word for feeling comfortable with being a completely ordinary person.” ~Veronique Vienne
Now I know “ordinary” is not a very comfortable word - no ego wants to be ordinary. So it begs the question, what does it mean to be ordinary? What about those unique aspects of my talents, my personality, my expressions? Do I hide them and conform to the norm in order to be ordinary?
Oh gosh, I hope not. The world would be pretty dull and dreary if all that yumminess were repressed. No, I think sharing our unique expressions is a desirable, even necessary aspect of the human experience. What is not necessary is comparing, and relying on that comparison for a sense of wholeness and worth - of oneself or others. That sense can only come from the heart, and the heart is not dependent on talent, accomplishment, or expression. The heart needs no separation, comparison, or reinforcement to know its worth because it, itself, IS worth. And thankfully, hearts are very ordinary. Consider this:
“If you are content with being nobody in particular, content not to stand out,
you align yourself with the power of the universe.”
What? Being a nobody is powerful? Well, certainly that would be contrary to the world’s penchant to cultivate and reward the separating nature of specialness. But when we hit pause on the ego’s need to stand out and be separate, something very special - and ordinary - happens. We tap into the undivided nature of the heart/soul/true self in all human beings. We open to the power of standing up without the need to stand out. We know ourselves - and others - as spiritual beings having a human experience.
Perhaps that’s why my friend and mentor John-Roger used to say: “Ordinariness is next to godliness.”
Fortunately, specialness and ordinariness are not mutually exclusive, nor are human experience and spiritual experience. It seems to me they are intrinsically interwoven (at least until death do us part). It seems to me that the spiritual heart common to each person is both expressed and recognized by the diversity of human experiences.
I know that my ego is not going away any time soon, and I don’t want it to. I know it’s going to continue trying to convince me that I need to be special in human-experience terms rather than in spiritual-being terms. But I also know that my ego’s insistence to stand out is also my heart’s invitation to stand up.
When I need a reminder of how to do that with my in-the-world life, I think of the unifying word “Namaste.” It’s a Hindu expression of hello and goodbye that roughly translates as “the divine in me bows to the divine in you” or “the light in me salutes the light in you.”
Since I often need more direct guidance than that, I think of it this way: “The undivided spirit that walks this earth disguised as me honors the undivided spirit that walks this earth disguised as you.”
Now then. Aren’t we all special!
Namaste, y’all.
“In loving, we can handle life’s ups and downs without drama, in a natural, flowing, ordinary way.”